I am in one of the worst moods I have ever been in today. If you're in a good mood right now, do yourself a favor and stop reading. If you're in a bad mood, then read on and feed off my bitchiness. This blog has pretty much turned into a monthly ranting about what's going on with me (and sometimes KK when she works up enough energy to write on here) so I'm probably going to regret writing this TODAY of all days, because over all it's been a pretty good month. I quit Sunrise for various company-related and back-related reasons and I'm working with my mom at the hospice now. That's actually been going really well. I'm training in for the last time tomorrow night and then flying solo on Wednesday morning for the first time, so that should be interesting to say the least. School is getting the best of me. I honestly have no idea how I'm going to make it through the next year without a break. I'm taking classes through out the summer because I'm in a time crunch to get my pre reqs done... but it's only April and I'm totally burnt out. I worked this morning and then skipped class today and slept for 3 hours. Other than those two things (work and school) that I'm somehow managing to keep in relative control, everything else is a mess and a half. Promises are being rewritten and my relationships with the people that mean the most to me are proving to be more complicated and messy than I ever thought possible. I'm more unsure of them than I ever thought I would be. It makes me think that maybe I've had my priorities in the wrong order. Actually it's pretty much proof that my priorities ARE in the wrong order. And that I've been selfish and focusing too much on the future rather than the present. I don't know how to find a balance. I don't know if I can. Today I was thinking about how great it's going to be when I'm 80 and everything has been written and I can just sit in a huge recliner somewhere in Tahiti and know that there's nothing left to worry about. Is that weird? I think that's weird. But when I'm sitting there, what am I going to look back on? A super amazing career, experience traveling the world? Or a close family and close friends, but putting my career in the back seat and maybe staying in MN for the majority of my life? Who the fuck knows because right now it doesn't feel like I can have both. I know some people can, I just don't know if I can because the two are both so incredibly important to me. It feels like an impossible balance.
I'm almost done.
I'm going to go bungee jumping this summer, and sky diving and hang gliding. And I'm going to ride my longboard every day. And I'm going to parasail on a super windy day. And maybe cliff jumping, but I don't know if that's really available in MN. And in between all that I'm going to go to my classes, and keep moving forward, because really, there's nothing else you can do.
Mac Lethal: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IjGW2hxcbfw
